It is about 9:10 now. I am sitting here...thinking. Thinking of the past. Thinking of the present. Thinking of the secrets. Thinking of the lies. Thinking of the truths. Thinking of the assumptions. Thinking of the ideas. Thinking of the concepts. Thinking of the reasoning. Thinking of what could have been. Thinking of what could be. Thinking of the faults. Thinking of the right. Thinking of the lack of chance. Thinking of the maturity. Thinking of destiny. Thinking of fate. Thinking of experience. Thinking of the situations. Thinking of the ambition. Thinking of the emotion. Thinking of the association. Thinking of the friendship. Thinking of the opportunity. Thinking of me. Thinking of......

Well...

Thinking...

...I guess you could say I am a bit weird right now. I guess you could laugh and say "What the hell is he talking about." But the thing is....I know what I am talking about. All of my thoughts shown above is what is going through my head right now. I don't enjoy thinking, it makes me upset. But when I think, I think of what I have done and what I could have done to change the outcome.

Then I think to myself, why think of what you could have done to change the outcome when the past cannot be undone. Many people say you shouldn't remain in the past, but you should look toward the future. That would be a great saying to follow, if only my future did not conflict with my past.

It has occured to me that some people use past situations to form ideas of another person. They associate those experiences with that person and develop concepts based on that person. But people dont take into consideration the maturity level at which a person was at in these past experiences. They look at the person's faults at face value without ever giving the person a chance to redeem themselves. But what if that person has redeemed himself in the present? People love to dwell on the past. Maybe it is human nature. But why let these assumptions remain a secret and use lies to prevent the confrontation of the truth? People never fully understand other people's emotion and their reason for doing things. But when people are given rights , they lose sight of friendship, and have the power to withhold another person's opportunity. They grip this person's destiny and fate, and dangle it as if it were another puppet in the toy chest. They change what could have been, and never see what could be. They make people lose all ambition. This is my thought, my story......me.

December 7th, 2004. This day can easily be compared to today, December 13th, 2005. How? Well, simple. Both of these days started with me going into school. When I went into the school the only thing I could think about was the Tournament of Plays and if I got a role. As I walked down the steps to the choir room, I was both confident and anxious. I opened the doors and starred at the bulletin board. I read a list of characters, and names who would be playing these characters. As the names went on, "Eugene McDermott" was no where to be seen. Mistake? No. Perhaps I wasn't good enough? Well that's a possibility.

Now allow me to differentiate the two situations. In 2004, I thought I was not good enough, until someone had come to me and told me of the "casting process." Care to know more about that? You can read my December 7th, 2004 entry. This year though...there was a difference. There was no pre selected cast. I feel that the casting process was honest. The only person that could be at fault was me.

Now back to comparisons...both days went on as a normal school day. The first time was a day of anger, today was a day of disappointment. The days went on, and, of course,  people asked me about it and talked to me about it and constantly reminded me about it, as if I wanted to hear about it over and over again. Did I? I could certainly answer that with a "No." And all my conversations with everyone ended in the, "Well Eugene, you should go out for non-compet!" line. What was my answer every time? No. Call me stubborn, call me stupid, but I just didn't have the heart to do it anymore. I get knocked down, but I don't easily get back up again. That's just the way I am, and I am not gonna put a fake smile on my face to impress everyone. I am entitled to feel a little upset.

So the school days went on, but something different occurred. The first time I didn't make it, the director wouldn't even look me in the eye, and it took me to ask him about it, before we ever exchanged words about it. Today, on the other hand, was different. Kate, the director this year, had come up to me and told me that the decision was a hard one, but she took into consideration our past performances. Unfair a little? I guess you could say so. The person who received the role of TJ (which was the role I wanted) had played a boyfriend figure in a previous play. Me though, I was never given that opportunity. Instead, I have been seen as 1) A little adventurous boy, 2) A high school kid with Cerebral Palsy, 3) A random person who pops out of no where to sing a duet, 4) A cocky teen in a 50's family, 5) A monkey in a singing trio, 6) A strong, opinionated lawyer, and 7) A joking teen in the back of a classroom. Though I was never given a chance to play a boyfriend, I do feel I have had roles that prove me to be versatile. So when she told me that, I just took it for what it was and went to class. 

Here is something that happened exactly the same. So I see Miss Cantilina. She pulls me aside and tells me to go out for non-compet because I am a good actor and I shouldn't let it get me down. Last year, I told Ms. Cantilina that I didn't care for acting anymore and that I have lost all interest. This year, I actually tried to think about why I felt this way, because I did say to myself again that I wanted to give up acting. After thinking about it (thanks to psychology class), I can see why I would not and will not go out for non compet. Now no one wanted you to think of it as the reject play, but think about it. You look at a cast list that does not say your name on it. All your self- confidence, your motivation, your excitement, and thrill for acting goes out the window. You try to not let it get you down, but of course it does. All day today I felt like a reject. Why would I want to try out for a play after all my excitement about acting has gone out the window. Why would I want to go into a room and audition for a play like I did yesterday, and think that that it will be the same outcome that happened today. The non compet play, I feel, is like if you didn't make the musical and they hold auditions for those people that didn't make it for a play that will be performed during intermission 

So instead...I now sit here at home, with nothing to do. I am still upset that I didn't get the part I wanted. Many people today, or after they read this, will feel that I am being selfish. I did get one of the lead roles in the musical. It is just the fact that, I really wanted the opportunity to get the best actor award this year. The opportunity was taken away Sophomore year, and it was taken away now. All I know is, I definitely do not want to direct next year. All my memories of Tournament are horrible, and I would rather not think about it anymore than I have to. Congrats to those who did make the cast. I feel I gave it my all and apparently my all was not good enough. So good luck to everyone and have a good time. I guess Tournament was just not meant for me.

Ok...so I really feel like venting out a little bit. I am kinda upset right now. Since I haven't written in here a for a while now though, I think I better catch up.

So I quit my job. After working there for a year and 2 months it was pretty hard, but I did it. I was treated like crap there anyway. Here is the whole story. I was in school when Christina came up to me and told me that Claudio told the new buser Sam to come in Thursday. Thursday was always my day and I didn't understand why. I told her he may have thought that I needed off so I would talk to him. So after school I was outside talking to my friends and Christina came up to me and asked me if I wanted a ride home. I took the offer, but before we went home she wanted to stop at Italy's to get something to eat. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal and I could talk to him about Thursday then. So when I came in I asked him what was up and he said he gave her my day so we would both have an equal amount of shifts. The main reason I was upset was because when I started working there I was making about $150 a week and now I was only making $90. If he would have cut another one of my days, I would have been lucky if I was making $60. So I was telling him that I wanted my shift back and then I was really upset. I sat down and then Claudio came out and told me if I wanted my shift back I would have to get implants and grow out my hair. See...he thought Sam was hot when he hired her because he is a 40 year old pedophile. So I asked him if there was any way I could get another shift and he told me that I could have Saturday morning. Now this seemed fair, but this is what happened when I used to work the Saturday morning. On Saturdays I would work from 5-9 in the back washing dishes. He had me working 4 hours that night. When I had my Saturday mornings I would work from 12-2, and then I would come in at 6 and leave at 8. They are both 4 hours, so really I wasn't gaining any time, I was just splitting the time I had into two shifts through the day. So I left and I was still upset and Christina told me to ask Claudio if it would be ok if she worked in the back Wednesday and I would work in the front so we could all still have all the amount of shifts we had. I called Mary Ann and I asked her if there was anyway she could talk to Claudio and ask. That day I had to be in at work at 5:00. So I started walking and I called me sister and told her that if I didn't get my hours back I was quitting. I walked in and I saw Mary Ann first and I asked her if he said yes. She told me that he said no. So I went to the front and went to talk to Claudio. I asked him why he wouldn't agree to that, and he told me that it would make no sense to do that. And then I asked him why he is taking away my hours, and he started telling me that Sam was a better worker than I was. He said that she didn't need help in the front on Friday's and Saturdays and she could handle them herself. What he really doesn't know was that I was helping her do most of her job by getting bread ready and helping bring some stuff out. And on top of that I was still doing my job. That pretty much pissed me off. So then eh said that I fool around to much at work and he said if I lay out all the days that I have worked and fooled around, and if you lay out all the days Sam has worked, that she probably worked longer. So he told me to take what I had and get over it. I just looked at him and then I turned back. I was just about to start working when I realized that I didn't need to take any of that crap, so I turned around toward the door. Just as I was getting ready to leave, Mary Ann turned and asked if I was quitting. I continued to the door and told her I was done. As I walked out Claudio screamed that he wanted his shirt back and I whipped him the finger and walked down the street back home. On the way home I stopped at Liz's house and told her what I did and she couldn't even believe it. She never thought I would have the balls to quit, but I guess she thought wrong.

After I quit everything seemed fine. I wanted to get back at that man so bad though, and I had many evil plans to do so. The things going through my mind would have probably gotten me in trouble with the law, that's the only way I can put it. A couple days after that I had come home from school, and I came home to find out that the replacement Claudio found for me was my brother. Now that pissed me off because I didn't understand how that man could call my house after the shit he put me through...and believe me, he put me through a bunch of shit. And the man had the nerve to call for his shirt back. To make a long story short, I talked to my brother because I was upset that he would do that, and he ended up not going in and screwing Claudio over. Kudos to that!!!

Anyway, so now that I am done with my whole ordeal about my job. I can skip forward a little bit. A little bit ago I had to meet my friend Amy's dad. Now it would seem fine if he just wanted to meet me, but being I am taking her to Gala, he wanted to meet-meet me. Meet as in the whole firm-questioning-intimidating dad who wants to scare the piss out of the daughters date. So he was questioning me and everything was going well until he asked the question I dreaded most. "What church do you go to." Amy had warned me about this one before but she told me to be completely honest. So I told him that I didn't go to church. There was a little bit of an awkward silence (and every time it would get silent, Amy would randomly blurt out she wanted Chinese food, which was pretty funny). After the silence I told I was a Christian though but we just never found a church that was suitable to what we were looking for. So I explained how I felt about religion and then he asked me another question that would just dig me deeper. "How do you know you have been saved?" I had no idea what to say. I drew a complete blank. So I said the only thing that came to mind..."It's a feeling....." Definitely not the best answer, and he kinda looked at me strange. So I knew I was done for, but good thing was I could take Amy. He did invite me and the family to come to church Sunday was was cool too.

Sure enough, Sunday came and I went to church with the family. It was really nice actually. I met up with Courtney and Amy and a couple other people. After the service they had a lunch. My parents were mingling and talking to Courtney's parents. They seemed to get along. It was pretty nice actually. And I will add the food was good too.

So that Monday, me and Courtney went to the Youth pastor's house. I had a lot of questions about God and the Bible. He helped me a lot with understanding the bible and God. It was a great moment. I asked him everything from our reason of this Earth, to technological advances and its role in the bible. Sure enough, he had answers. That day he also asked me that if I were to walk out and die today, would I know where I was going. I really honestly didn't know. I knew that I led a sinful life just ask everyone else did. So I told him. I told him that I did want to accept God into my life and I wanted to live in his guidance. We prayed and now I feel like  brand new person. Being filled with God's love is an awesome feeling. I am really thankful for Courtney and the Youth pastor, for helping me come closer to God.

On Tuesday I auditioned for the musical. When I came in I was number 42. I was sitting around hoping that I wouldn't screw up. So, Me Courtney F, Courtney V, and Calyn went into another room to practice our songs. I was going to sing Surrey With The Fringe from Oklahoma, and that was a pretty high song. So I knew I had to practice a little before I went on stage. My number was called and I was ready to go in. When I went in I had an instrumental CD with my song on it. I put it in the CD player and it wasn't playing. So I became really nervous and then Ms Cantilina came to help me. When she put it on the volume was all the way up and it scared the crap out of her. I felt so bad. So I went on stage and started to sing my song. I sang about 15 seconds of it, when she told me to stop. She then had me sing scales to see how high I could go. I reached an E without using my Falsetto, which I think is pretty good. I went back in the room and waited to learn the dance. The choreographer came and she started to teach us all the dance. Let me just say many of us were not very successful in the dance. It didn't go very well. I, on the other hand, did the best the I could and I don't think I butchered it too much. All in All I thought I did pretty well...

...Well enough for me to get a call back. The next day when I checked on the list, I was called back, which was pretty awesome. The only thing that sucks is that all the men were called back so it wasn't anything special. So I went to call backs and I was called back for the two leading roles Wayne (I think that was his name) and Pat. I was also called back for the quartet, as well as everyone else. When we first started, we had to learn a dance. I was nervous because the other dance didn't go so well. So we were learning it and it all came to me. It was becoming pretty easy. She continued to pair me up with everyone in the group, mainly because there was more girls then guys, but she had been pairing me with girls that already danced, which was pretty good.   So I did pretty well on that, then we had to sing. The bad part about the singing was that I was comfortable with the first song. I took all my self doubt though and I just sang, and many said I did well. The other song I knew so I was pretty happy, but when we were singing it, Mrs Howe walked in on he part the I couldn't sing very well, and I just thought it was practice. Sure enough, that was what she wanted to hear. So I was pretty upset because she didn't hear my best. We went upstairs then and we sat around a little and we were then let out at 6:15. But I had to be back at the school by 6:30 for our choir rehearsal, so I just stayed, with nothing to eat, because my dad wouldn't bring me anything. Thank God for the popcorn no one sold last year, that ended up being my dinner. So after all  that, Niki drove me home and I called it a night.

The next day, Ms. Howe was having re-call backs because she wanted to see more of some people. Thank God I was on that list. The good thing was she had me read for Pat, but she didn't want me to read for Wayne. So I don't know what was up with that, but I think my reading for Pat went fairly well. All I know is after all of that was done, I was feeling pretty confident in myself.

Today, we were supposed to find out who made what, but there was no school. So now I am gonna die over the weekend, but that's alright. All day today hung out with Kate which was pretty fun. And then I came home to a bunch of crap. It just so happens that Gala is still scheduled for tomorrow, and I have nothing to wear, and my hair has not been cut, and everything that I thought I could wear made me look like a bum. So I was pretty upset at that. But now that I wrote about everything else this week, I think I have gotten over it. So now I am gonna go to bed because I am pretty tired and Kim is gonna get me early so I can chop all of my hair off...lol.

So today was an Ok day I guess...I woke up at 6:00 to go to NYC and pick up my brother. I was so tired because I didn't go to bed till 2:00 the previous night. Anyway...my Dad and I went to his bosses house to get the pick up truck that my dad needed for all of my brother's stuff. So were on the road for about an hour and a half (but rides like that feel like nothing now when compared to the car ride down to Florida.). We were there pretty quick. We we got to my grandmother's house, my brother was standing there ready we some of the luggage. When I saw him, I had mixed feelings. It was cool that I was seeing my brother again, but I was upset that it was because he was quitting school, (and he didn't quit school because he wanted to give up...there were extenuating circumstances, and assholes that stood in his way.) So we get home pretty quick.

When we get back, my dad lets me drive the car to Easton to pick up my lap top that was getting repaired (which I am on right now...hehehe). Everything was fine, and we were ready to go. When I go outside I see my dad sitting in the driver's seat. I asked him what he was doing and he just told me to get into the car. I became really upset. My dad had told me the night before that I would get to drive today and it seemed that he was just doing it out of spite.

When we get home I chill around a little bit. Listen to my music, and add everything on to this laptop. I figure I will take a little nap before I go to work. So I slept for about an hour. The dream? It was to crazy to even talk about.

So I wake up and get my stuff together. My dad let me drive to work because he felt bad. When I got to work everything was fine. Nothing bad actually happened today, which is a bit out of the ordinary. I was tired though, being that I only got a couple hours of sleep. All throughout the work day I got so many calls...I was kinda insane. Every 5 minutes my phone was ringing. Normally I am happy if I get 1 or 2 calls a day.At 8:30 he sent me home. I made $25 tonight...not bad I guess.

After work I walked up to Pat's house. We chilled a bit. It was Richie Lauren Pat, and this Molly chick that I had met a couple times before and every time I see her I introduce myself...which is kinda funny. :later on Kim and Kevin showed up. We played a couple board games and watched TV. It was a pretty good night.

Afterward, Kim drove Lauren home and then she had to go pick up her sister. Since her sister wasn't done, we hung around Key city for a little bit, until we decided to just drive somewhere else. While driving we saw the Manuel car washing place. So it is like 11:30 and we decide that we are gonna wash the car. It was kinda funny. So we washed it, and it just so happened that her sister found a ride, so Kim just drove me home.

Now I am sitting here, wondering why I hell I am still up. I think I shall go now

Peace

So I figured I'd write in here because I am pretty bored and upset. There is so much that has happened, but I cannot even begin to explain it all. So I will just explain today...

Well...I woke up at about 1:00 today. I normally wake up at 8 or 9, so I don't know what happened. I was out pretty late last night, I was hanging out with a bunch of cool kids. We went to the mall, then Panera, and stood outside of there for about and hour I think. Then we went to Pat's which was awesome. I wish we would of decided on that earlier...lol. Anyway, so back to Today. So I woke up late and I kinda sat around all day. I drank like 1/2 a gallon of Egg Nog because I am in love with that stuff, and I didn't feel to good afterward. I was also playing with my baby brother and we were spinning around, so that didn't exactly help my stomach. After that I started walking to work

On the way to work I called my sister. We talked about some stuff. "The stuff" we were talking about kinda pisses me off, but I cant exactly explain....Maybe I will later. So then I got to work and I let my sister go.

When I got to work, everything was ok. I did my job while dodging my boss. I didn't have much to do because Mary Ann wasn't there and she usually is the one giving me stuff to do. So Work was work, as usual, it always sucks. I can't stand working there. I am really on the verge of quitting. My boss is an Ashley and really hates me. The sad thing is he has told me he hates me. Anyway, so I kinda got pissed today at work. I was there and I told one of the waitresses that I had to go in the back and make the Italian dressing. When I went back there, a lot of the tables were filled. So I told them that if they needed me to come get me. So when I get done, I go to fill up the Italian. One of the waitresses comes in the back and flips out because she has no where to sit some people. When I look out there I see that all of the tables were dirty. I was so pissed because no one came in the back and told me. So I had a crap load of tables to clean, and the couple had to sit in the smoking section. Then the waitress goes into he back and tells the boss that I am not doing my job. I was so pissed I just wanted to punch her in the face. I am already coming close to getting fired and she goes back there to get the boss. I HATE SHADY PEOPLE!!! Anyway, so she is a bitch...end of story.

So I come home, thinking that I will finally get some peace. I go in my room and get my piano and I figured I would try to learn this song that I have been listening to quite often. As I am listening, trying to hear the notes my mom goes to the stairs and starts flipping out. I didn't understand why she just couldn't tell me to just turn it down. Instead she just makes a big deal out of it. So Just now I threw my piano because I temper problems...luckily it didn't break.

So right now I am waiting for wonderful Kim to give me a call because we may be possibly doing something later...We'll see...